"Yin and Yang are mutually-arising, interdependent, and continuously transforming, one into the other. One could not exist without the other, for each contains the essence of the other. Night becomes day, and day becomes night....Such is the nature...of everything in the relative world." -Elizabeth Reninger
I've been thinking about this concept a lot over the past week. The balance of the universe. The ability of horrible things to exist at the same time as wonderful things. The ability to feel devastated and feel hope and excitement at the same time. Aaron and I definitely had a Yin Yang week last week. On Wednesday evening Aaron got laid off. There was no warning, no real severance to speak of, and it was effective immediately. Thus we found ourselves mired in uncertainty, confusion and despair. Aaron's work colleagues are like family to him, and he loved his job. Then, on Friday morning, we found out that we were pregnant! I had always imagined that I would be over the moon with happiness, and while I am delighted and excited, I'm also cautious. In 36 hours we had gone from sobbing to dancing. And we continued to sob while we danced. The interconnectedness and ability of two seemingly opposite emotions to exist at once was never more apparent to me than last Friday.
And perhaps that's where my caution comes from. I wish, I wish, I wish I could just be solely ecstatically happy. Don't get me wrong, I AM thrilled and happy, but, experience over the last several years has taught me that being cautious might just be the healthiest thing for me emotionally. Maybe if you've never been on a journey like this you can't understand. With illness, surrogacy, and, frankly, with life, I've learned there are ups and downs. Everyone knows that. And so while I sit here, thinking positive thoughts, and feeling happy, I'm also not releasing myself to 100% joyful abandon.
The thing is, at this stage in pregnancy, about 1 month, most people never announce they are pregnant. Things happen during the 1st trimester. And maybe because I'm a pediatric OT I'm acutely aware of things that can go wrong throughout pregnancy. Maybe I'm removed from feeling totally connected to what's happening because there aren't any changes going on in MY body. With a phone call, we find out we're pregnant. Nothing has changed around me or in me as evidence of a pregnancy, other than that phone call.
I think I'll feel a lot better on April 14th. On the 14th we travel to Portland for the first ultrasound. We'll get to see "Lisa," and our baby's beating heart. Or maybe our babies beating hearts. We transferred 2 embryos, so who knows what we might see. For the safety of the pregnancy, for Lisa and for the baby, we're hoping for a singleton, but if God has twins in the cards for us, then that's the road we'll travel.
It's funny, I thought that when we found out we were pregnancy I'd write a completely joyous blog. But I guess when you've already been through so much trying to get to this point, the positive pregnancy test is just another step on the road to being a parent. Instead of being the beginning of a journey, for most couples who get the positive pregnancy test, for us, between working with a surrogate and doing fertility treatments, it's just the middle part of the journey. And that's what I keep reminding myself, this is a journey. But the 14th will be a big day. Maybe I'll be able to breathe a little bit easier. Maybe I'll be able to let my hope grow a bit. Until then, I wait with cautious optimism.