Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Not this time

Going out of town instead of hanging around, waiting for the call ended up being perfect for us. True, it was on my mind a lot, but there's nothing like hanging out with Mickey and Minnie to take your mind off of things. Unfortunately, when you leave the land of magic and pixie dust reality sets in.
We spent this morning waiting and waiting for the call. And it finally came. Not this time. No baby for Christmas. Sigh. I guess there was a part of me that expected this. As I've mentioned a couple times, it seems like for the past few years very little in my life has gone as "expected". Even the IVF cycle didn't go as expected. And so while I was praying and hoping that the flip of the coin (our 50-50 odds) would land our way, when it didn't I wasn't totally shocked. Funny from someone who always prides herself on being an optimist. I guess sometimes even the optimist becomes a realist. Aaron and I are both sad. And I know "Lisa" is sad too. She wanted so badly to give us "the best Christmas present ever." She was so sweet when she called me today.
It's weird, I feel like I've suffered a loss, but I'm not sure how to categorize it. It's not like a miscarriage or something. But looking at the picture of those two embryos and feeling like they were a part of Aaron and I, and the joy that comes with that. Yet, they never implanted. They never really were a "baby". They only existed in the petri dish. But they were hope. They were potential. And for right now that hope is gone. And that's where the loss lives.
As I mentioned, we don't have any frozen embryos. Another IVF cycle would be very expensive. And we don't know why we got so few embryos during the last cycle. So right now things are up in the air. We've got an appointment with our doctor next week and will talk about options.
I don't want to make this sound like a complete downer. It's not. It just "is what it is." For now, I'm trying to regroup, mourn this little loss and then refocus. It's time celebrate the birth of another baby, the amazing baby born in Bethleham. It's the hope and promise from that baby that we will take comfort in as we head to the next step.


  1. Tiff, this is so heartbreaking. I'm so sorry and wish there was something else I could say to make it better. I've been thinking about you so much the last few days and was so hoping you would get your Christmas baby. I will be keeping you and Aaron in my thoughts and prayers. Huge Hugs.

  2. Tiff, I have two friends who have (more or less) been down your road in the past year or two. Thanks for sharing. Mourning is appropriate. I hope good news will come...yes, Good News has already come...I hope things work out for you soon.

  3. A verse comes to mind that has helped me through tough times I hope it helps you some too. Psalm 34:18"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those crushed in spirit." Hugs friend!

  4. Sweet Tiffany and Aaron,
    I'm praying this for you:
    Psalm 27: 13-14
    13 I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the LORD
    in the land of the living.
    14 Wait for the LORD;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the LORD.

    You'll see His goodness, and it will be before Eternity. Love and hugs~~

  5. Tiffany, I am so sorry, I know you guys will make it through this and your not alone for thinking those weren't even a baby. Do remember you have tons of friends here for you whenever you need us. Not talking about it or passing it off as if it wasn't ever a baby doesn't help. Celebrate the creation even if it was only in a dish. I love reading your blogs and praying that things will work out for you. Love you tiffany.

  6. Tiffany~ I'm so sorry, and am praying for you guys. Your 'baby bud' was no less human because it didn't implant, which makes it no small loss, expecting it or not... Praying you will experience much comfort and even joy amidst the pain and disappointment, from the inexplicable but wholly good and available Healer himself.

  7. I'm so sorry Tiffany. My heart goes out to you. I hope your visit with the doctor next week provides a new avenue of hope.

  8. Tiffany, I'm so sorry to read this news. I was hoping and praying for you and Aaron. Please take care, and if you need anything, please don't hesitate to call...I will be there for you.