Going out of town instead of hanging around, waiting for the call ended up being perfect for us. True, it was on my mind a lot, but there's nothing like hanging out with Mickey and Minnie to take your mind off of things. Unfortunately, when you leave the land of magic and pixie dust reality sets in.
We spent this morning waiting and waiting for the call. And it finally came. Not this time. No baby for Christmas. Sigh. I guess there was a part of me that expected this. As I've mentioned a couple times, it seems like for the past few years very little in my life has gone as "expected". Even the IVF cycle didn't go as expected. And so while I was praying and hoping that the flip of the coin (our 50-50 odds) would land our way, when it didn't I wasn't totally shocked. Funny from someone who always prides herself on being an optimist. I guess sometimes even the optimist becomes a realist. Aaron and I are both sad. And I know "Lisa" is sad too. She wanted so badly to give us "the best Christmas present ever." She was so sweet when she called me today.
It's weird, I feel like I've suffered a loss, but I'm not sure how to categorize it. It's not like a miscarriage or something. But looking at the picture of those two embryos and feeling like they were a part of Aaron and I, and the joy that comes with that. Yet, they never implanted. They never really were a "baby". They only existed in the petri dish. But they were hope. They were potential. And for right now that hope is gone. And that's where the loss lives.
As I mentioned, we don't have any frozen embryos. Another IVF cycle would be very expensive. And we don't know why we got so few embryos during the last cycle. So right now things are up in the air. We've got an appointment with our doctor next week and will talk about options.
I don't want to make this sound like a complete downer. It's not. It just "is what it is." For now, I'm trying to regroup, mourn this little loss and then refocus. It's time celebrate the birth of another baby, the amazing baby born in Bethleham. It's the hope and promise from that baby that we will take comfort in as we head to the next step.