A leap of faith

OK, I admit it, I'm nervous. I know, those of you who know me well are gasping in surprise. "What?!?! Tiffany nervous about meeting someone?? Can't possibly be!" But it is true, honestly. Why, you ask? Well, we've matched (yay!) and are heading down to Portland tomorrow to meet our potential surrogate and her husband.

This surrogate was the third application presented to us, and things just seem to "fit". Out of respect for her privacy I'm going to give very few details other than to say she's married, has two kiddos, and lives in the Portland area. In our application I shared that I am writing a blog about our experiences with surrogacy, but the last thing I want to do is spread her business all over the internet. I, on the other hand, am currently an open book. :)

So here's the thing, what the heck do you say to the woman who might carry your child for you? "Hi, nice to meet you! So...how well do you plan on taking care of yourself for the next 10 months? Are you trustworthy? Do you have a cervix of steel to hold a baby in place until it's really, truly time? If you sense any sort of teratogen entering your personal space by land or air or in your food will you run screaming in the other direction? Do you like us? Will you make us feel as included as if I were carrying the child myself only I'm not and we live over 3 hours away and instead of spending 24/7 with our child-to-be for 9 months we'll only get to hangout maybe an hour every two weeks or so?" Those questions might send her running as fast as she can in the opposite direction. But really, what do you ask? I mean, picture this: you're having a first date with someone, and in the span of an hour and a half you have to decide if you want to have a baby with this person. Maybe if I had been single until an age where I really felt my biological clock ticking I would have approached dating that way but I never really did that.

Actually, as I've thought about this, worried, wondered, prayed, stressed, whatevered, I've realized that no matter what questions we ask, no matter what our impression of this woman and her husband is, no matter what the medical and psych reports say, no matter how great the surro-matchmaker thinks we'll be together, when the decision needs to be made, ultimately it's a matter of faith. Whether one has a child through traditional means, fertility treatments, adoption, surrogacy, stepparenthood, or any other way there is a moment where one has to pause, take a deep breath, and step into the arms of faith. Faith that this is the right step to make. Faith that having a child is the path one is supposed to follow. Faith that whoever else is involved in the process is as committed as you are. This proverbial leap of faith is something everyone has to take whether religious, spiritual, agnostic, atheist, or anything in between. Because nothing is guarenteed. Nothing is for sure. There are so many times when I've been terrified. When I've been angry. When I haven't understood. And yet Aaron and I keep pressing forward, believing in faith that this is right for us.

So I guess that's the bottom line. We're going to meet this couple tomorrow and decide if this is the woman with whom we make that leap of faith. Sure the questions matter, sure the conversation is important and the details we'll talk about, about what kind of relationship we'd like to have and how we'd like to go about this. The chemistry will be key. But, when the decision needs to be made, we'll all hold hands, take a deep breath, and jump off the cliff together, in a leap of faith.

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11

Strike Two...

For those of you who follow baseball you'll understand the analogy. For those of you who don't, just read the wrap up. To continue with the baseball from the previous post, the catcher pointed to the first base umpire to make the call on what the homeplate umpire said was a ball, the homeplate umpire deferred, and the first base umpire ruled it a strike.

Now for your non-baseball fans, what had been our "ball" (the second surrogate applicant who might work) is now a strike. We got the medical report, and the doctor who did the report feels that the surrogate is too heavy to be a good surrogate. If she loses weight she'll qualify, but he's recommending a significant amount of weight, so we're not looking at any time in the next couple months. Sigh. So, we've got our third application that we should be receiving on Monday or so. If you are the type, please pray that this is the match for us! If you are not the praying type, if you could please conjure up good thoughts, karma or whatever you believe it, we would really appreciate it.

I'm starting to feel a bit discouraged. We were supposed to have a meeting on Wednesday with the IVF clinic to go over the details of our IVF procedure, however it had to be cancelled and can't be rescheduled until the 22nd. And we've now had 2 surrogates we've rejected. I don't feel bad about rejecting the surrogates, I mean, if we're going to be choosing someone to carry our baby I really want the right fit (think 2010 Rav 4, not a 1995 Echo), but I am discouraged in how long this is taking. I know you all have been reading this since maybe July, but for Aaron and I we're about 2 years into this process between looking into me carrying, then adoption, then surrogacy. I just want everything to fall into place. What if this third applicant isn't a right fit either? The waiting weighs on you after awhile and I'm starting to feel discouraged and tired. Maybe it's just because I worked a 10 hour shift at work. I'm sure things will look brighter in the morning. I just thought once we signed with an agency things would move a lot faster.

Strike One, Ball One

We got the first application from our surro-matchmaker. After talking it over, we decided it doesn't really work for us, for a number of reasons. Anxiety is starting to set in a little. What if we don't find someone? I just want to get the process going. Waiting is so tough. Fortunately, when we told our matchmaker that it didn't feel quite right she was very understanding. The next application she sent us seems great, although the woman lives a little farther than we'd like. She said she's in the process of screening someone who she things would be a "really great" match for us, so cross your fingers everyone! Hopefully the third times the charm!

Married, Child-Ready Couple seeks Woman with Great Endometrial Lining

I have never filled out an application for online dating. OK, I'll admit having checked out match.com when I was single, but I never even contacted anyone from there. And now Aaron and I had to fill out an application to help pair us with a surrogate. Oy. I mean, what do you call EHarmony for babies, ECooing? The idea behind the app is that the surro-matchmaker will read it, and then in all of her glorious wisdom read through all of her gestational surrogate applicants and miraculously match us with the perfect GS. She then sends the GS' application to us. If we approve and decide to go forward she then sends our application on to the GS. If the GS agrees then we meet. And zap! the chemistry flies, Aaron and I adore her and she adores us and in about a year we all have a baby together. So this is important. We have to capture our personalities and how cool we are in a couple of typed pieces of paper well enough that the GS is going to adore us and want to work with us. No pressure. Yeah, we can sum up ourselves in 5 pages of less. riiiiiiiiight.

So the first part is easy, vital stats. Name? Got it, and I've even been able to spell it since preschool. Social Security Number? After several college applications I had that one memorized! Have you ever been arrested? Nope! At this point both Aaron and I are thinking, "No sweat! We've got this covered!" Then things get significantly trickier.

What has led you to this decision? Well, I can think of a variety of answers. The internet? The Holy Spirit? Desperation? But somehow we decide those aren't quite what we wanted to share. So then how to sum up: my medical condition and the challenges it presents + being unable to adopt= Surrogacy? A simple equation and yet so complex. I mean, we're supposed to sum up everything we've been going through around this for the past 4 years in a few sentences? Oh man, Reader's Digest never had it this hard!

OK, moving on....Do you wish for the Gestational Surrogate to carry multiple fetuses? Wish for her to? You mean like, do we want a two-for-the-price-of-one deal? If it happened that way I'm sure we would figure out a way to make everything work, but wish for? Like, on a star? Um, no.

The next one is easy: What is your time frame for being paired with a Gestational Surrogate? Yesterday! ;)

Of course, that easy one lulls us into a state of ease that is quickly shattered by the next (essay) question: Please list the characteristics you are seeking in a Gestational Surrogate (i.e. personality, hobbies, occupations, etc.)Oh boy. I mean, what's a person supposed to say to that? BMI less than 25? A strong preference for leafy green organic vegetables? Great birthing hips? Willing to read the dictionary to her growing belly and play Mozart symphonies for it? All kidding aside, how do we say we want someone who would take as good of care of herself when pregnant as I would when this person is not me and is not going to do 100% of the things that I would do if I were pregnant. I mean, I don't even know all of the things I would do if I were pregnant, since I've never been pregnant! And, frankly, I want someone who would take even better care of herself than I would take of myself! But this is a person on the other end. A person we want to respect and show respect to, and value in, what she can bring, womb aside. We want a relationship based on trust, mutual respect, communication, and a healthy sense of humor. So I, now being a Blogger Extraordinaire, write the perfect paragraph extrapolating on those themes.

Then, another tricky question: Please describe the kind of relationship you hope to establish with the Gestational Surrogate (before, during, and after, the pregnancy): Um, hello! How the heck are we supposed to know that? I mean, ok, we can talk about what we think we'd like before, that's pretty easy, because that's pretty much where we are right now. And we have some idea of what we think we'd like during the pregnancy but I'm sure that's going to change throughout the pregnancy and what we think we'd like right now may be way off from what we actually want and where it actually goes. But after? Come on, I have no idea! Who knows where our relationship with this person will be? Maybe we'll be really good business partners and once the project is finished yearly Christmas cards will suffice. Then again, maybe we'll all become BFFs and see each other several times a year. Or, maybe we'll just be Facebook-type friends where we catch up with each other through reading status updates and that's enough. Isn't this a little bit like asking someone before a first date where they see the two of you a year from now? Ay yi yi! The panic sets in. Sweat drips down my brow. OK, slow deep breaths. We can do this. Somehow, I can write all of the above in a way that makes sense. I don't know how, but I am a Blogger Extraordinaire! I will not back down from this challenge!

OK, we're to the last essay question: Please write a personal note which describes you and your family. Here it is, the in-500-words-or-less-sum-up-everything-you-and-your-husband-are-in-life-and-to-each-other-and-those-around-you-ok-ready-go question. Because how am I supposed to describe how amazing Aaron is in less than a novel? How he'll get up in the middle of the night to warm up a heat pack when one of my muscles cramps up even though he has to get up at 5 am to work and he really wants to sleep? And how is he supposed to describe my quirky sense of humor that takes all of the craziness in my medical situation in stride and decides to laugh 95% of the time and cry 5% of the time instead of the other way around? And how do we describe the 4 grandparents who will pour everything they can into this child (and spoil him or her rotten if we let them!)? How do we write about how we feel so perfectly complete and content right now, yet at the same time we would be a thousand times more complete and content with a child? There's no way to sum up everything we are on paper. It can't be done. So we do the best we can. And we know with God's blessing though our answers on this application are woefully incomplete in describing everything we are desiring in a relationship with our GS, everything we are looking for in the woman who will carry our child, everything we are to each other, and may even include typos on something like our social security numbers, He, the Matcher of Matches (I'm sure that falls under one the domain of one of the names of God in the bible) already has the perfect GS picked out for us.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker make me a match....

So earlier this week Aaron and I went down to Portland, OR to meet with 2 agencies and 1 attorney.

Needless to say, the interviews were exhausting (each was about 1 1/2 hours). Yes, there are the traditional questions, but then there are the intangibles. And how do you go about choosing a surro-yenta anyway? As yet, there hasn't been a musical about that! After meeting with the two agencies it wasn't really too difficult of a decision. We both felt that one of the agencies was, overall, good at both the "business" side of things (organized, appropriate spell-checked materials, referrals to attorneys and OBs in Portland, etc.) and the "interpersonal" side of things, and the other was not as high on the business side of things although also very good on the interpersonal side. Aside from this, the was one major differnce. Both agencies have very lengthy application processes and perform criminal background checks on surrogates. Eventually all surrogates need to have a medical evaluation, psychological evaluation and legal consultation. The agency we went with does the med, psych and legal consults all before you are presented with any surrogates. It's the only agency in Portland that does this. All the others present you with the surrogates, then after you select one, she has her med, psych and legal consult. Thus, if we had gone with the other agency we could have selected a surrogate and then she could have failed the med eval or another eval and we would have been back to square 1 with a surrogate. The agency we went with has a slightly higher cost because they do the screening ahead of time, but considering we would have to pay for it out of pocket for the other surrogate it's basically negligible.

The attorney was a really nice woman with a lot of experience in the field. She gave us a whole list of things to think about (Like, "were both of you to die before the baby was born, who would you name as guardian of your child?" You know, really easy ones like that!), but overall, she was very reassuring and reiterated that OR law favors heavily the IPs and that with a legal contract in place we have next to nothing to worry about.

With all those meetings out of the way, on Wednesday before heading back to Seattle we biked along the riverfront, and then explored Powell's Books. Ahhhhhhhh. A book lover's dream bookstore. Independent. Used. New. Multi-story. An Old Warehouse. Multi-Building. As hard as I tried to lose Aaron and camp overnight there he found me, and we came back to Seattle for the adventure of filling out the application. But I'll save that fun for another post. ;)

PS: With a 3 hour car ride in each direction, after sitting in traffic and getting a bit stir crazy, we continued to cast the movie we want to make with my friend Micheal who is also having a surrogacy experience. Thus, Aaron and I decided that Matthew Brodrick (with his hair dyed) should play Aaron. So, with my friend Michael, Neil Patrick Harris as another person in his story, Amy Adams as me and Matthew Broderick as Aaron we have an incredible musical shaping up! And I, of course, intend to choreograph it. :)

Click....Click....Click....Click

You know when you ride a rollercoaster, and right before a big hill the rollercoaster attaches to a chain and as you get pulled up you hear, "Click....Click....Click....Click"? That's the sound I keep hearing in the back of my head right now. I know the rollercoaster metaphor is probably overused, but in this journey towards surrogacy it really applies. Aaron and I started wanting to have a child. We waited in line until it was "our turn," got in, and pulled down the safety bar. And then the coaster was like nothing we expected. We hit hairpin turns, corkscrews, and even some loop-de-loops. We bottomed out at those places where it feels like a volvo is sitting on your chest, and hit the top of hills where it feels like gravity doesn't apply and you float for several seconds. And now we're approaching another big hill...click....click....click....click.

On Monday evening we're heading to Portland to meet with 2 agencies and a lawyer. We're really getting this process going, IN TWO DAYS! click....click....click....click
I spoke with 4 agencies on the phone and we've narrowed it down to two. One of the agencies was very expensive, and they weren't comfortable with having the implantation take place in Seattle, they wanted everything done in Oregon. To do the IVF procedure I'm going to have to get a bunch of shots over a period of a bit more than a week and have ultrasounds nearly every day. I really don't want to take the time off from work to spend over a week in Portland doing that, Particularly because we've found a fertility clinic in Seattle we really like and I want to work with them. Another agency has been pretty slow to return phone calls and e-mails. I'm talking like 3-4 days, or never getting a response to an e-mail I sent. They seemed great on the phone, but if that's the return time for phone calls and e-mails now when we're not signed with them, then why should we think it would be any different if we signed with them? So that's two that have been crossed off the list, leaving 2 for us to meet with on Tuesday....Click....Click....Click....Click

I suppose I should mention that on Friday I had my first major meltdown of the surrogacy process. One of those throwing-pillows-screaming-into-pillows-refusing-kleenex-as-snot-runs-down-your-chin-damn-this-sucks-balled-up-on-the-couch meltdowns. I don't really know why. Well, I guess I do. This process is hard. It's weird. And at times it feels really lonely. Let's face it, 99.99% of the population doesn't have to have kids this way. And I'm jealous. Well, maybe not jealous, but I feel bad. I want to have kids the easy way, just like everyone else. And it hurts that we have to do it this way. We've accepted it, I'm ok with it, but it still really hurts at times. I get so mad that I've got this weird disease and how much it's changed my life. And usually I'm ok with it. I've gotten to a place of acceptance and okness with it. But then something like this comes up. And I feel broken all over again. I feel pissed off that I'm so different. I feel angry that I can't be fixed. And I feel horrible for how difficult this can make the simplest things for Aaron and for our marriage. Aaron is, of course, wonderful. He accepts me and loves me in whatever condition I am, and he wouldn't have it any other way. But it still sucks. And that little part of me that's angry that we have to go through all of this erupts every now and then. And it's a lot of stress. Talking to agencies, trying to figure out who is best to help you have a baby. For most couples it just happens. You don't have to think about the minutia. But on this road you examine every detail and look at every little thing, and feel responsible for every little thing. Oh I wish it were as easy as they made it sound in health class in high school. Click...click....click....click

My friend Michael may actually have a movie about his journey! He's been joking about it every since this started, and it turns out his surrogate has a friend who is a documentary film maker who wants to follow their journey! So I gues Neil Patrick Harris isn't going to play him since he'll be playing himself. I just think that's really cool. There's got to be something better than "Baby Mama" for people to know about surrogacy. Maybe we will still make a major motion picture after this and I will get Amy Adams to play me. I'll throw this out to the world now, if anyone wants to make a movie about our journey, I'm all for it, just give me a call! Click....click....click....click.

So that's all the news for right now. We're just about at the crest of the hill for this part of our journey. Oh boy. Hang on. Sit tight. Keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times. Click....click....click....click....wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Interviews...and prayers

So far I've interviewed 3 agencies and there are 4 on our list. Then we plan to narrow it down to 2 or 3 and go to Portland and talk to them in person. But how the heck do you pick one? They all sort of offer the same services. They all are around the same price, with one that is quite a bit more expensive...but that seems to be the most "polished" agency. It's run by a lawyer and I know she knows her stuff, contract-wise. And she has surrogate profiles available. The other agencies are smaller...but they are running by former surrogates and IPs. Maybe that's the way to go, with people who know what it's like for both parties? All of them have references we could talk to. Some are more established, in terms of length of time, that they have been around. But so far the person who I feel like I've connected the most with is the smallest, newest agency. That could be a risk, but she says she likes to keep her agency small so that she can give personal attention to her clients, and she, the director, is a 4 time surrogate herself. She started the agency because she had worked with 2 agencies as a surrogate and felt that she herself could do better. If we're having this much trouble choosing an agency, how are we ever going to choose a surrogate?

All I keep remembering is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And I know that future involves our child. And I keep meditating on Psalm 127, "Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them."

Maybe I'm feel particularly drawn to these verses because it is Sunday. And, OK, so Aaron and I aren't exactly in our "youth," and our quiver is actually a house in Bellevue that may reach capacity after one, and considering the time in which this was written property was passed via male aires so the emphasis on sons, I think I can safely think of sons or daughters as belonging in this passage with equal emphasis. I guess what these verses mean to me is, A) Don't freak out because God already has a plan and an agency and a surrogate picked out for us and knows how all this is going to happen, and B)God likes children and knows the desire of our hearts and "has our backs," on this one. Of course, if one of my pastors reads this one he may totally disagree with my interpretation of this scripture. ;>

But I'm still kind of freaking out. Ah yes, my "humanness." Interestingly, there is a collegue Aaron works with at work who has been asking a lot of questions about surrogacy. Maybe she'll be interested in being our surrogate? Or maybe someone else will volunteer and we won't have to find an agency. Boy would it be amazing not to have to travel back and forth to Portland for the next year to be involved in the pregnancy.I just don't know. But God knows. Whew.

Surro-Wear! and Openess

Who knew there was a whole market for Surro-Friendly clothing? Check out this search:

http://www.zazzle.ca/surrogate+gifts

I personally love the "I'm not the mom, just the stork!" gifts. Gonna have to get something with that for our surrogate.

Also, I just wanted to send a thank you to all of you who have been so supportive of this journey so far. I was really nervous about going live. Would Aaron and I be judged? Would people respect the choices we've made thus far? Would people think this was just too weird to grasp? We've received so many positive responses and prayer support. I can't believe it. Originally I had sent the link to a few select people, but based on the support I've been getting I'm going to take another step out in faith and post my blog in my Facebook status to open it up to all my Facebook friends.

You may be wondering why. Here's the thing, this blog is doing exactly what I wanted it to. It's getting support for Aaron and I on our journey. It's creating a record of our journey for our child. And, amazingly, one of the other things I've prayed for is happening, people are starting to talk about things not often talked about. I've heard from a friend who never mentioned that she and her husband considered a surrogacy journey. I've heard from 3 friends about their incredibly painful and challenging journies with infertility. Seems like everything these days is open for discussion, but infertility and difficulty starting families are still things rarely talked about. First off, it's painful for the people and families experiencing it. Another thought I had is that it can start to become a "values" or "family values" discussion and might become heated very quickly. But I've found a lot of support, and I want to continue to talk about our journey in the hopes that friends and family members who might also be facing challenges starting families of their own, and feeling that unique, raw pain that sears your heart when you see someone holding a new baby or talking about a child as being an "accident," would feel more open to talking about their experiences, or at least supporting Aaron and I and allowing us the blessing of supporting them.
And for people who have never faced difficulty starting a family I'd like to help them get a glimpse of what our experience has been. To have them pause before asking a couple who has been married for 2 years, "So, are you thinking about starting a family?" In our case the answer was some non-committal, "eventuallly," but my heart was breaking as I wanted to answer, "Yes! Yes Yes Yes! It seems like we're thinking of that all the time! And trying to figure out how! And banging out heads against the wall! And hurting...oh how we are hurting so much!" Or having friends understand why you may love them so much, but just can't attend another baby shower, and to please try to understand, instead of guilt you into coming, or feel that you don't care about their amazing, life changing experience, but are simply hurting too much at this point to share in the celebration.
With all that, since we are talking about the "Baby-Making Process" (beyond sex ed!)I wanted to let you know I'm going to be changing this blog to "adult content." The content will be staying the same as it is now, so please don't think I'm suddenly going to be adding petri-dish porn movies (Ooooooh, how exciting watching fertilization in a petri-dish!), but I am "friends" with some high schoolers I know from church and I want to be responsible with that, particularly since I am talking about things that some parents may not want their high school children to hear at this stage in their lives (although please, once you head off to college, come back and visit! ;>).

I don't know how the "followers" link works, if you get an e-mail when the blog is updated or what it means to be a "follower", but if you'd like an e-mail when I update, please drop me a message via Facebook at at my e-mail account. Otherwise, check back occassionally and hopefully there will be more random musings on not-so-random topics from my random brain. :)